It's hard to believe it's been 12 days since Mike passed. It seems like 5 minutes ago and yet it seems like an eternity. When I think of where he is now and what he's doing, I always think of this picture.
Tuesday
Most of you know by now that Mike has died. Monday at 3pm. He went the easiest possible way considering his condition. In his sleep and in no pain.
I want everyone to know that we sincerely appreciated all the kind words and prayers these last few months. They meant more to us than you'll ever realize.
Also, if anyone was considering sending flowers or anything else, I’d rather the money be spent instead on a donation to either of the following in his name (Michael Bourque). They were extremely kind, caring, and helpful in our time of need:
Arkansas Hospice Foundation
5600 West 12th Street
Little Rock, AR 72204
Attn: Pat Williams
Fr Bill Elser
St Jude Catholic Church
250 Woodlawn Dr
Fairfield Bay, AR 72088
Love, Dena
I want everyone to know that we sincerely appreciated all the kind words and prayers these last few months. They meant more to us than you'll ever realize.
Also, if anyone was considering sending flowers or anything else, I’d rather the money be spent instead on a donation to either of the following in his name (Michael Bourque). They were extremely kind, caring, and helpful in our time of need:
Arkansas Hospice Foundation
5600 West 12th Street
Little Rock, AR 72204
Attn: Pat Williams
Fr Bill Elser
St Jude Catholic Church
250 Woodlawn Dr
Fairfield Bay, AR 72088
Love, Dena
Monday Morning
Mike was restless last night. Poor guy just wants to Get Out Of Bed. He finaly slept well from 11:30 - 3:30. He's sleeping again now but his breathing is bubbly. I'll be calling the nurse at 8 to make sure she comes out this morning, not afternoon.
More.....
Grand Canyon - August 2002Forgot to mention, today is our anniversary, 5 years. I'm grateful he stayed with me for it. Here's our favorite honeymoon pic. I'd rather he be remembered like this than the previous pictures.
Sunday Afternoon
Mike's been sleeping most of the day. When he's awake he's forgotten he's sick and forgotten his legs don't work anymore. He wants to get up and do things. I convinced him to let me put the other side rail on the bed and he's okay with it. (for now). He hasn't had anything except sips of water since friday.
Sunday AM
My friend Roxann came yesterday, this morning she's out running errands for me. After the friday crew it's a blessing to have someone here that's calm and helpful.
Mike slept off and on all yesterday but he stayed stressed and anxious, it takes a while for him to calm down and relax after he gets over stressed and excited. Around 9pm he started relaxing and by 11 he was sound asleep. He had a good sleep till this morning. Woke up to take his medicine and he's back asleep now.
Mike slept off and on all yesterday but he stayed stressed and anxious, it takes a while for him to calm down and relax after he gets over stressed and excited. Around 9pm he started relaxing and by 11 he was sound asleep. He had a good sleep till this morning. Woke up to take his medicine and he's back asleep now.
Saturday Afternoon
I was way overstressed and exausted earlier so I called my friend Roxann to come and sit with me. She'll be here any minute and stay overnight.
Mike is still sleeping off and on. He'll probably sleep all day and night now that he can rest.
Mike is still sleeping off and on. He'll probably sleep all day and night now that he can rest.
Saturday AM
Hey Betty and Crystal, thanks for the kind comments, it's nice to know I'm not the only one pissed off. And yeah, you'd expect a little more consideration from a mom towards her dying son.
They left at 8:30 this morning and Mike's been sleeping ever since.
We had a rough night, he was agitated the whole time. He went to sleep at 12:30, popped back up at 1:30, went back to sleep at 2:30, popped back up at 3. Went back to sleep the last time at 4:30 and up at 6.
Forgot to mention, Mike did drink 3 Ensure yesterday.
They left at 8:30 this morning and Mike's been sleeping ever since.
We had a rough night, he was agitated the whole time. He went to sleep at 12:30, popped back up at 1:30, went back to sleep at 2:30, popped back up at 3. Went back to sleep the last time at 4:30 and up at 6.
Forgot to mention, Mike did drink 3 Ensure yesterday.
Friday
A house full of women hovering over Mike. Mike was sound asleep when they got here about 8:30, he woke around 10am, then never really rested again despite the sleeping pill at 2.
At 9:30 pm Mike's mom was sitting at the counter chatting with her sister and I asked if she'd be going to bed soon. She looked at me like I was nuts and didn't answer. (I'd had the conversation earlier about her not keeping Mike up all night this time). I turned off all the lights except the kitchen and a lamp in the living room, settled Mike in his bed, etc. Ignored her and waited. At 10 she said they could turn off the kitchen light so Mike could rest. I said NO, it's not the light that keeps him up, it's the people. With us sleeping in the living room, we can't go to bed until everyone else does. (duh!) As soon as you go to bed I'll turn the light off and he'll rest. They went to bed at 11. It took till 12:30 before Mike was able to relax and rest. (he gets stressed and anxious with too much commotion and it takes awhile for him wind down and relax).
I'm worn out and cranky.
Rant over.
At 9:30 pm Mike's mom was sitting at the counter chatting with her sister and I asked if she'd be going to bed soon. She looked at me like I was nuts and didn't answer. (I'd had the conversation earlier about her not keeping Mike up all night this time). I turned off all the lights except the kitchen and a lamp in the living room, settled Mike in his bed, etc. Ignored her and waited. At 10 she said they could turn off the kitchen light so Mike could rest. I said NO, it's not the light that keeps him up, it's the people. With us sleeping in the living room, we can't go to bed until everyone else does. (duh!) As soon as you go to bed I'll turn the light off and he'll rest. They went to bed at 11. It took till 12:30 before Mike was able to relax and rest. (he gets stressed and anxious with too much commotion and it takes awhile for him wind down and relax).
I'm worn out and cranky.
Rant over.
Thursday PM
Mike had a good rest earlier, and he drank another Ensure when he woke up. (that's 3 today). He's been pretty perky since but talking nonsense.
I convinced mom and all to stay in a motel in Conway tonight and come out in the morning. They would have gotten here at around 11pm and probably kept him up for hours visiting then expected him to have a full day of visiting tomorrow. He's not up to that and I'm not going to let anyone wear him out. It may sound bitchy but Mike is my 1st and only concern.
I convinced mom and all to stay in a motel in Conway tonight and come out in the morning. They would have gotten here at around 11pm and probably kept him up for hours visiting then expected him to have a full day of visiting tomorrow. He's not up to that and I'm not going to let anyone wear him out. It may sound bitchy but Mike is my 1st and only concern.
Thursday Afternoon
Mike is doing much better than this morning. He drank 2 Ensure so far today. He was lucid and said prayers with the priest. He's sound asleep now.
Had a call from his cousin Monique and she's driving Mike's mom and 2 aunts up. They should be here about 10 tonight. (I won't be letting mom exaust him this time though. She'll have a strict bedtime).
Had a call from his cousin Monique and she's driving Mike's mom and 2 aunts up. They should be here about 10 tonight. (I won't be letting mom exaust him this time though. She'll have a strict bedtime).
Thursday A.M.
Mike is failing so fast. Tuesday morning he sat on the porch and chatted with the chaplin. Tuesday afternoon he sat on his bed and talked to the nurse. Tuesday night I thought I was going to lose him. Wednesday he talked to the nurse. He's been pretty much incoherent since but at least he's in bed (more or less) resting.
Monday I went grocery shopping and he was fine on his own, as of wednesday I'm afraid to leave him alone even for a few minutes.
Last week it looked like he had months left, now it looks like days, at most weeks.
I called the chaplin this morning to ask for someone to come and say the proper catholic prayers over him.
I turned off the ringer on the phone so it won't wake him. If anyone needs to call, use the cell number.
Monday I went grocery shopping and he was fine on his own, as of wednesday I'm afraid to leave him alone even for a few minutes.
Last week it looked like he had months left, now it looks like days, at most weeks.
I called the chaplin this morning to ask for someone to come and say the proper catholic prayers over him.
I turned off the ringer on the phone so it won't wake him. If anyone needs to call, use the cell number.
Wednesday
Mike stayed in bed today. He's too weak to get up. The hospice nurse came by with a prescription for a sleeping pill. She's hoping it'll make him actually rest and then maybe he'll want to drink enough Ensure to keep him going. He didn't have anything today except a few sips of water when he took his pills. A hospice aide will be coming daily starting tomorrow in case he'll be open to someone besides me coaxing him.
Tuesday
The hospice chaplin came by this morning, the hospice nurse came by this afternoon.
Mike had 1 Ensure today. 250 calories. Not enough to keep a baby bird alive.
Mike had 1 Ensure today. 250 calories. Not enough to keep a baby bird alive.
Monday
Mike came outside for a little while this morning in his new chair while I mowed. It got too hot though so he rested during the afternoon and I grocery shopped. Temps for the rest of the week 100-102.
I've been pleading with him to take some nourishment and rest. He tells me 'later' or 'not right now'. I don't know what to do. He won't lay down, he sits on his footstool almost 24 hours a day. His only food anymore is 1-3 Ensure drinks. (usually 2 - that's 500 calories).
I've been pleading with him to take some nourishment and rest. He tells me 'later' or 'not right now'. I don't know what to do. He won't lay down, he sits on his footstool almost 24 hours a day. His only food anymore is 1-3 Ensure drinks. (usually 2 - that's 500 calories).
Saturday
LeeRay, Damon, Mike, DonaldFriends LeeRay, Damon & Donald drove up from Louisiana. It was great to see them but sad for me and I'm sure for them too. You can't look at Mike anymore and not see that he's dying. The old Mike fades away a little more each day.
Friday
Nothing interesting going on. Caught up on household stuff, ran a few errands. Mike is the same.
Thursday
Mike was still feeling stressed so I called the hospice nurse about the oxygen and she told me how to set it up. He's feeling a little better now.
The hospice chaplin called and wanted to come out and interview us. I told him the week has been too hectic and we weren't really up to a visit so he'll plan his visit for next week.
I spent the day sitting by the phone waiting on a call about delivery of the electric wheel chair. They called at 4:30 and I went to town to pick it up. The boxes were way heavier than I thought and I almost couldn't drag them into the house, but did. I'll try to put it together in the morning.
The hospice chaplin called and wanted to come out and interview us. I told him the week has been too hectic and we weren't really up to a visit so he'll plan his visit for next week.
I spent the day sitting by the phone waiting on a call about delivery of the electric wheel chair. They called at 4:30 and I went to town to pick it up. The boxes were way heavier than I thought and I almost couldn't drag them into the house, but did. I'll try to put it together in the morning.
Wednesday
Wednesday we had the hospice social worker come by. He'll be coming over once a month to check on us.
Later I went to town and found a lightweight fold-up wheelchair that I can put in the backseat of the truck.
Mike was feeling stressed and asked me to hook up the oxygen but I couldn't figure out how to work the machinery.
Later I went to town and found a lightweight fold-up wheelchair that I can put in the backseat of the truck.
Mike was feeling stressed and asked me to hook up the oxygen but I couldn't figure out how to work the machinery.
Tuesday
Hospice came with the bed, etc. I spent the morning moving furniture to make room. Then spent the evening moving furniture again till I got it right. Ha.
My friend Roxann came to visit too, it was great to see her and have a little girl time.
My friend Roxann came to visit too, it was great to see her and have a little girl time.
Monday
November 2006Mike's Birthday. He got cards from all of his favorite people. That was great.
The Hospice nurse came by for her first visit, she's very nice. She ordered him a hospital bed, oxygen, a walker, and I forgot what else. She'll be coming by once a week (for now) to check on his condition, medicine, etc.
Sunday
Quiet day. Mike is looking and feeling a little better now that he's over the exaustion of 2 days at the hospital. The Hospice lady is coming out for the first visit monday.
Saturday
Las Vegas - August 2002So. Now that we've recovered from the trauma of what the doctor told us we've realized what a good thing it is that Mike won't be spending the rest of his time going back and forth to Little Rock and suffering through treatments and exausting trips. We're relieved the doctor didn't try to keep him until the bitter end. We're free now to appreciate the rest of the time we have together.
A Timely Article
Cancer's Unexpected Blessings
When you enter the Valley of the Shadow of Death, things change.
by Tony Snow
http://www.ctlibrary.com/47315
When you enter the Valley of the Shadow of Death, things change.
by Tony Snow
http://www.ctlibrary.com/47315
Thursday
We had the transfusion this morning then a doctor visit.
The doctor said:
Mondays CT showed the cancer has increased enormously. What was (2 months ago) spots on the liver is now a liver consumed with cancer. Same with the bone and lung. Treatment is not helping at all. Lung fluid removed yesterday was cancer. They've canceled any future treatment. Mike has maybe 2-3 months left to live and they've refered us over to hospice for home health for the remaining time.
The doctor said:
Mondays CT showed the cancer has increased enormously. What was (2 months ago) spots on the liver is now a liver consumed with cancer. Same with the bone and lung. Treatment is not helping at all. Lung fluid removed yesterday was cancer. They've canceled any future treatment. Mike has maybe 2-3 months left to live and they've refered us over to hospice for home health for the remaining time.
Wednesday
Everything went okay today. They removed the fluid from Mike's lung with no problems. Bloodwork showed his count way too low though so the doctor has ordered a transfusion for tomorrow morning at 8. After that, a doctor appointment then chemo (if the doc doesn't postpone it).
Long day, we didn't get to the motel till after 6.
Long day, we didn't get to the motel till after 6.
Tuesday
The nurse called today with news of the CT scan. Mike has 'severe' fluid in his lung. We have an appointment tomorrow to have it drained. Afterwards he's not allowed to be farther than 30 minutes away from the hospital so we'll be spending the night in Little Rock. Then thursday we have the normal doctors appointment and chemo. If all goes well we'll be home late thursday afternoon.
Monday Morning
Mike's Birthday is next monday, July 30th. He'll be 45. If anyone wants to send him a card that would be great because it's most likely his last one.
On the way to Little Rock for anemia shot and CT scan.
On the way to Little Rock for anemia shot and CT scan.
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